So, More Video Games

I hate to post this because I feel like I'm stealing a little of ShadowMaster's thunder, but I have a few notes that I'm wanting to make, primarily on the subject of video games. Before I start, I want to again apologize for the lack of any videos recently, but with school restarting, my parents deciding to leave me to fend for myself for a week (no joke), and a variety of other problems, I've had some issues with free time. Or rather, the lack of free time. Some of you, however, will no doubt read what I've written below and say "How can you not have enough time to make videos, but have plenty of time to make video games?" To answer that question, there's always time for video games. ALWAYS.

So, first thing on the docket today (yes, docket's a real word) is the discussion of the upcoming game LittleBigPlanet 2. I'm sure for those who have played the original, this will need no introduction, but basically this version's upping the ante in pretty much every way imaginable. The customization (both for characters and levels) is completely off the charts, even compared to the last game, with creators being able to make full games inside their levels, such as racing games, shooters, etc. You name it, you can make it. The graphics have also been upgraded, particulary when it comes down to lighting and particle simulation, but thankfully the art style seems to have remained untouched. All DLC and user-made levels from the original will be fully compatible with the new game, so don't fret about losing your favourite costume and whatnot. For those who feel like shelling out an extra $10-20, there's also a Collector's Edition available from Amazon or most EB Games in Canada. It's available at a ton of US retailers, too, but EB Games is the only one I've confirmed here in Canada. For the relatively low price of $79.99, you get (in addition to the game) a 7" Sackboy stuffed toy, two LBP-themed book ends (though they're apparently for games, too), and a slew of bonus customization options: 11 costumes ranging from a Sesame Street character to Ratchet and Clank, along with 5 custom avatars for your PSN account. All in all, I'd consider it a pretty good deal, and if you think so too, you'd better hurry and pre-order it now, because supplies are limited and they're selling out fast.

My next note is on the game Red Dead Redemption, which I obtained about a week ago. I'm not gonna go into the plot or anything, but from the little I've played so far, I can tell you it's awesome. Don't get me wrong, it really lives up to its M rating (let's not forget that Rockstar Studios, the developer of the game, was also behind the GTA games), but the content is fitting of the Wild West subject matter. In addition to solid gameplay and a good plot, the game has tons of optional sidequests and challenges to keep you occupied for every minute you play it, and even in the frustrating parts there's still a lot of entertainment. Top moments for me right now include losing to a man in horseshoes and then beating him to death, as well as getting incredibly drunk, watching someone stab a prostitute repeatedly, and then passing out beside her dead body while people standing in the street glared at me.

It's just that great of a game.

Unfortunately, that's all I have for you right now, but I'll be sure to try and do some work on either posting or making a video, or just something to give you something to look at.

Until then, keep going nowhere.

EDIT: I apologize. The costume included in the LBP 2 Collector's Edition is, in fact, from the Muppets, not Sesame Street. As a note for the future, don't rely on my knowledge of puppet-based TV shows or their stars.
DOUBLE EDIT: Just preordered my copy of the Collector's Edition today. It was by no means cheap, but it's one of the better CE deals I've seen lately. This is also confirmation that EB Games definitely has preorders of the CE available, so if you're wanting one, you know where to go.

From review to update

Just so every one knows, I have given up on game reviews and have moved on to video game news!!!
Moving on Halo Reach is already a big success as more than 5,000 man years have been spent online in matchmaking. Also there is an update planned for October for matchmaking playlists and gametypes plus the addition of campaign matchmaking.
Fable 3! Looking a lot like Fable 2 except you can level weapons, become king (or queen), the menu is actually a place in the world of Albion that you can travel to and you have a butler in that area, and all the things are more in-depth but easier to use.
Also it's rumoured that Lionhead studios are already have the story line for Fable 4, 5, and 6.

R.E.V.I.E.W

Easy A. Better name would be Dumbass Phony Prostitute. Major chick flick but i supose it had its moments. The parents of this faker than Pamela Anderson's breasts prostitute were actually really funny! But total chick flick.... you have been warned! Stay tuned for more reviews this weekend.

PineapplePie XD

I'm Le Sorry

I'm sorry i know I said I would have a review up but I've been super busy lately should be up tomorrow! Also look out for a series of Chapters from a story I'm making called Peddy's VS Eddie.

Nikkoliah's Artistic Genius

GUESS WHAT
I has drawing for ya :3

The 250 makes little to no sense in the context of THIS blog, but on MY blog and MY blog only, I just posted my 250th post. I wanted to share the amazingness with you TMNT people, and also to write the commentary here so that my readers are forced to come here to see it. You're welcome.

(click to enlarge)

I wish I had a tablet. I really do. There's, like, these little white specks that surround all the black lines, and I have to colour over all of them instead of just using the Fill tool. It's like a less severe version of what happens in MS Paint. (I use Sumo Paint, an online editor, for my stuff, because I don't have the money for Photoshop). As a result, colouring is a long and tedious process, but I do need the practice for shadows and stuff. So it's a process I'll tolerate.

This probably took me, like, 10 hours in total, as I worked on it over a number of weeks. THAT'S A LOT OF TIME BUDDY. But it was the satisfaction of a lifetime when I finally saved and uploaded this, and I knew it would be before I even started colouring.

Also, I finally got around to resizing the actual image. They've always been in giant and unviewable-on-a-computer sizes, but I discovered the magical 'Image Size...' button on the toolbar today. This is a life-chaging discovery, I tell ya.

Last independent paragraph: You probably already know this, but the girl here is my avatar. She looks pretty much nothing like me, but I always draw me as her. The first prototype for her design is here. Also, I have an un-resized drawing of kinda what I actually look like next to her right here:

The skin colour on this one is radically different o_O it's really...pink.

Anyways, hope you like my drawings, cuz I'll be posting more. Much more....hahahaaaa...

...they'll probably be fairly rare, though, since they're quite a project for the one with no tablet. Look forward to them anyway!

New song!

Well, ladies, gentlemen, and Soulextractor (Not really sure what he is), here's my first post since my introductions. Tadah... its a song! WARNING: CONTAINS SOME MILD LANGUAGE BLAH BLAH BLAH NO ONE READS DISCLAIMERS LETS JUST START.

Kill the lights
[Verse]
Baby, You just know I'm ready to blow
(Tickticktick just waiting for the boom)
Let the curtain rise, they're ready for the show
(Ready or not, I'm spelling your doom)
[Bridge 1]
I'm your entertainer,
I'm the final feature,
I'm ready to start, gonna throw out my heart
And I'll become the creature
[Chorus]
Bring that crowd to their feet
Their screams'll pierce the night
For the one last time
I'm putting up a fight
Kill the lights, flip the switch
We gotta go home,
And I don't need company
I can get back alone.
[Chorus 2]
Now the people are dying for something new
(Gotta give what they want, they are here for me)
And I want something, that something would be you
(But all I want is you, are you too blind to see?)
[Bridge 2]
I'm your sacred angel,
I'm the ruthless monster
Heaven and hell, this gig is goin' swell!
And I'm bout to fuck you over!
[Chorus]
Bring that crowd to their feet
Their screams'll pierce the night
For the one last time
I'm putting up a fight
Kill the lights, flip the switch
We gotta go home,
And I don't need company
I can get back alone.
[Bridge 3]
And when your daymares give you the chills
Think of me, I'll satisfy your thrills
Metal on my lips, what a waste time.
And though I'm out of reach
Baby I wont preach
Your my partner in crime!
[Guitar solo most definitely here]
[Chorus]
Bring that crowd to their feet
Their screams'll pierce the night
For the one last time
I'm putting up a fight
Kill the lights, flip the switch
We gotta go home,
And I don't need company
I can get back alone.
I can get back alone
I can get back alone,
Watch me go
Alone.

Coming Soon

Sit tight and be patient because Sunday night another review will sure be up like a pedo's heart rate on at the local Chuck E Cheese!

Some News

Yeah, I'm posting text. Not a video, not any "hilarious" pictures of cats with invisible objects, just text. And links. And some other stuff. But all of it's in the form of those wonderful things you can read, write, and say: words.

If you are in no way excited about this post, I really can't blame you.

I see how this may be a bit of a letdown considering the fact that my videos were actually starting to get good (sort of), and now I'm dropping them like a celebrity who realizes they're holding a baby just to move on to something else. That's not entirely accurate, actually. I'm still keeping them up, just on a slightly more elongated timeline. Or something like that.

In their place you will now find text posts similar to this one, except without this introduction/explanation part, as they will instead cut straight to the important things below. These posts will pretty much feature all of the parts of my videos, such as news and info about movies, music, games, etc., and even some additional things, and they'll be much more frequent than the videos were. As a note: I do intend to keep making videos, and if I can find a way to make one every week that fits my schedule, I will do so. This schedule revert will probably occur in October/November, when I'll have settled into school fully and will have more time for things like this.

Anyway, getting on to the actual content. I'm sure you've noticed that we now have two new writers on the team, BroadwayMoshpit and Nikkoliah. They both have bios up and have already started posting, so go ahead and check their stuff out. As for their characters in the videos, well, you'll have to wait and see them when the next video gets uploaded. As well, I'm sure you've noticed the ads on the right hand side. These are to try and pay for our own domain name, making our site easier to find, so we apologize for the inconvenience, but that's just the way it'll have to be for the next little while.

So, news. Well, France has recently passed a law against wearing full-length veils in public. Apparently, any veil that covers a woman's face cannot be worn in public areas, and, though only about 2,000 women in France wear these veils regularly, the idea has created a lot of controversy among the Muslim population. I can't really blame them, since the ban seems a little far-fetched, but as was said during the debates about it, it does help confront some security concerns. However, I'm interested in hearing what the readers think. If you're reading this, what's your opinion on the ban? Are you for it, against it, what?

Anyway, I'm gonna try and implement a few recurring features. First off is the Youtube video of the week. Every, wait, what day is it today? Wednesday? Okay, every Wednesday, I'll post a new Youtube video that I think is funny, or well done, or something. This week? We have the Scout from Team Fortress 2 trying to sell you a Slap Chop. Check it out.

Anyway, that's about all I can think of to talk about at the moment. Keep checking back for more updates and videos, and keep checking back every Wednesday for the Youtube Video of the Week. Who knows, I may add more weekly features for you to read.

Anyway, keep going nowhere.

Style is for pussies.

Well, I'm back. Amidst the flood of new members, videos and such, you motherfuckers probably forgot I even existed. As you can see, I'm still here, and still alive. I've got a couple of reviews in the queue (I'll try to review more well-known bands for the blog in an effort to give it more exposure) but I figured you guys want a more general post, so here you go. This is probably the only time Ten Minutes to Nowhere's resident cranky metalhead will be catering to the whims of his audience, so eat it up. You're not gonna get a chance like this again.

A FEW NOTES BEFORE WE BEGIN:
-this is a general rant. This will be the only other kinda post I'll make other than reviews. Just so you know.
-at the end of any rants, because this is still a "blog" per se, and because I'm quite the music fanatic, I'll post a random band I've discovered recently that I find awesome. Hopefully you enjoy it too, so you'll buy their CD and stop listening to the crap you listen to.
-most of my rants are done out of spontaneous blind rage, so they ARE rather extreme and hyperbolic. Keep that in mind.
-Feel free to argue my opinions if you don't agree with them. I love arguments. I'll whoop your ass in them because my opinions are inherently superior to all others.

Now that we've got those formalities out of the way, let us begin.

I hate fashion. I really do. I hate anybody who is too obsessed with "how they look". Clothing is used to cover up parts of the body that are "not suitable" for the wandering eye to gaze at, or of course, basic survival needs. Clothing should not be used to make some baseless "statement" or to try and go "against the norm". You're not unique. Even if you've snorted 80 fire ants through your nose whilst juggling to the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General", you're still not unique. You conform. Get used to it.

Even if this "statement" you're making is somehow valid (it would have to be in some sort of retarded parallel universe where Hitler is praised as an amazing, revolutionary individual and everybody's buttocks are on their knees), do you really think any of the shit you're wearing honestly looks GOOD? Like piercings. Earrings I can tolerate, but who the hell was the first guy who looked at a piece of metal and said, "hey, this looks like the kind of thing that I'd like to cut a hole in my face for". Really. Piercings anywhere other than your ears look REALLY FUCKING STUPID. There's no other way to put it.

Same thing goes for tattoos. Again, tattoos are the kind of thing that COULD be alright if used in moderation, but some people feel the need to PUT A FUCKING PAINTING ALL OVER THEIR ARMS, LEGS, AND ON THEIR GODDAMN BACK. COME ON PEOPLE IF YOU LIKE THE PICTURE THAT BAD JUST GET SOME ARTIST TO PAINT IT AND HANG IT ON YOUR FUCKING WALL HOW IS IT DOING ANY GOOD ON YOUR BACK ANYWAYS YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE THIS APPARENT IMMACULATE PIECE OF ART YOU LOVE SO MUCH SO WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT??? To "turn your individual persona into a visual concept" or some bullshit like that? Please. Spare me your pithy attempts at dragging yourself out of mediocrity.

And some of the clothes I witness people wear on a daily basis...holy crap. All the bright, contrasting colors on the shirts, shorts, shoes, and backpacks given me a FRIGGIN SEIZURE. Colors like pink, orange, light green and light blue are NOT meant to all be used in one "outfit" or worse, one article of clothing. ESPECIALLY not when a guy does it. I give a bit of leeway to all the ladies here (and the clothing they wear in general), because looking "good", is a natural kind of thing for them. Same way giving an impression of machismo and charisma is common amongst males. These things aren't stereotypes, they're primal instincts (hell, even I do the macho-crap from time to time) that are exemplified frequently in the animal kingdom. It doesn't separate the genders in any way, so please don't start foaming at the mouth over my nonexistent sexism.
But if I ever see a guy wearing blue, pink, orange and green all at once, I'll flip my shit. IT DOES NOT LOOK GOOD. YOU LOOK LIKE A TRANSVESTITE RAINBOW. PLEASE GO SOMEWHERE WHERE THE GENERAL PUBLIC CANNOT VIEW YOU. LIKE SOME DESERT ISLAND WHERE I'M SURE YOU'LL ATTEMPT TO FONDLE YOUR OWN BALLS WITH YOUR TONGUE OUT OF BOREDOM.

Dear lord. Long story short: Anybody who thinks that their clothing is anything more than something used to cover up their no-no places and provide warmth or comfort is a twat, but ahead and wear clothing you like or stuff you think looks "good" for all I care. But just so you know: clothing does not express individualism any more than posting shitty vlogs on youtube makes you a filmmaker. I wear bandshirts and jeans not because I think it's my "style" or it defines me as a person or something, but because I like the logos and the clothing is comfortable. The end.

RANDOM MUSIC FIND: A Canadian depressive black metal band called Gris. Yes, that's right. Confounding as it may be, there is indeed some depressive black metal out there that doesn't totally suck balls. Instead of the music being really fucking whiny and emo like Happy Days and other garbage of its ilk, these guys seem to have found solace in the melancholy of their music and are exploring the emotion in its purest form. Amazing, sobering stuff. Link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwLw1twqz1w

That's all, folks. This has been your friendly neighborhood soul extraction for the day.

Oh, lookity! A song!

Here's a l'il history lesson. I started writing songs when I was 10 or 11. As you might imagine, my first tries were either awfully generic or generically awful. But as time went on, I began to gain more knowledge on the topic, just by looking at other peoples' work and learning from that (Nightwish especially, their lyrics are phenomenal). So now I can consider myself halfway decent, at the least.
This'll be nothing new for anyone that already reads my other blog (like most of the stuff I'm putting on here to begin with), but this is the last one I've written, titled One of the Damned. You're right, it does sound emo. It's really not. I can show you emo. I CAN SHOW YOU, LIKE, PERFECT MISERY. But I won't.


Sorry these take up so much space, but I hate doing that thing with the slashes to separate lines./Like this./It's so annoying to read.

Standing on the horizon
Thinking of all the love you lost
Never again will I fly much higher
Still tumbling down to the cost

Watch, as you leave none behind
Look, a blessed soul to find
Erase the days of all lost hope
And look me in the eye
Watch, me fall, you like to now
Look around, they're gone
Delude yourself until you die
Which won't be very long

The shadows of the past
Are thickening in seconds
Bringing memories and dreams
And weeping soft for long ago

Illusions of tragedy
Were simply cries for help
Your cries were left unanswered
For you've yet to learn to love yourself

Watch, as you leave none behind
Look, a blessed soul to find
Erase the days of all lost hope
And look me in the eye
Watch me fall, you like to now
Look around, they're gone
Delude yourself until you die
Which won't be very long

"Tell me what it's like to be one of you.
Of strength and power, but never emotion or time.
Of possessing the capabilities of a god, but wasting it on trivial desires.
Of hoping for love but never looking further for it than backwards.
Tell me what it's like...to be one of the damned."

Delude yourself until you die
Which won't be very long...at all 

Halo Reach

Halo reach is looking pretty good off the bat. Basically its a first person shooter, but really its more of an open sandbox kind of game. It has 6 game modes that are campaign( not include in this review ), matchmaking, custom games, forge, firefight, and theater.
Matchmaking is the normal online versus multiplayer that has team games and free-for-all, and in April there was beta to test this game mode and it looks pretty solid. There are multiple playlists of game types and maps, divided into two groups: arena (competitive gaming) and social (non-competitive gaming), from there you can pick what playlist you want, you can also choose the type of people that you would like to play with. Next you will be matched up with a group of people and be put into a game lobby where you can vote on which game type and map you would like to play and finally you enter the game. After the game ends you will be given the option to party up with the people in the game. So the matchmaking is looking pretty good with the option to pick what kind of people you want to play with and vote for the game you want to play, also after you play online for a while the game while determine what kind of player you are, such as are you a team player or a lone wolf, a sniper or more close range. The online is really built around you and giving you the experience you want.
Custom games are games you can play with people offline or with friends online. So basically you can choose what map and what game type you want but then you can go in and change the rules to what you want such as player speed, gravity, what weapons you start with and what kind of weapons and vehicles are on the map. There are some from Halo 3 and there's likely to be a lot more add into reach.
Forge allows you, the player, to edit the objects on the map like weapons, respawn points, and flag/bomb spawn points, and you can also edit scenery objects to build things like base and stuff. In Halo 3 this was actually very hard to do unless you had over 6 hours and knew all the hacks and tricks. Now Bungie has made a Forge 2.0 that makes it simple for a normal gamer to make a good map in less than three hours. They also took all the hacks and tricks and others things fans asked for (plus things fans didn't ask for but are pretty kickass) and put them in. To go along with this they also made a huge map with a lot of good forging areas and over a hundred items; this map is now known as Forge World.
Firefight pretty much goes like this: you enter game the game you grab your weapons and then you are attacked by wave after wave of Covenant ( bad guys who look badass) and you either get raped or you kick ass depending on your skill level. Also there are these things called skulls that effect how the AI ac,t such as how often they throw grenades and if they avoid danger. Like in custom games you can edit the rules and player traits.
Gameplay is still classic Halo but instead of equipment, there is now armour abilities like sprint, active camo, armour lock, drop shield, and hologram.
So like I said it's looking pretty good so I'm going to give it a 9/10. You can also watch gameplay on YouTube and find more info at Bungie.net.

One more person- Is this place crowded or what?

Hello, world wide web. I'm Hannah, otherwise known on here as Broadway Moshpit (Or just Broadway). I'm going to be the newest contributor to TMTN and will provide such facts as concert, movie, and play reviews, photos that will make you lol (no guarentees) the occasional poem, perhaps a rant or two, and anything on zombies. We'll do the larger introductions later. And I'm sure my buddy Trigger will help with sh** I should say on my bio.
Cheers,
Broadway.

Nowhere Fast - Episode 5

Everything's there in the video. As it says, I'll be slowing down a bit but I'll keep posting other stuff.

Links:

Facebook Page
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Ten-Minutes-to-Nowhere/136583189720252

Twitter Account
http://twitter.com/TenMins2Nowhere

Happy Wheels (main site)
http://totaljerkface.com/happy_wheels.php

Happy Wheels Demo
http://onemorelevel.com/game/happy_wheels

Keep going nowhere!

EXCITEMENT.

Hi there! I'm Nikki. I'm a new writer for TMTN (well, obviously) and this fact excites me. In case you didn't guess by the title.
I've got a few contributable (that's not a word, oh well) things that I do: writing lyrics, and drawing random cartoons. You'll be seeing some of my crap in the near future. I'm also obsessed with the comics El Goonish Shive and Bittersweet Candy Bowl.
You know what you should do? Read them.

Anyway, my bio will probably have something a little more detailed than this, but it's like 12am and I'm tired and want to go to bed. MMKAY? You all know who I am now. Hooray.

Oh Crap.

So I may have gotten a little ahead of myself in saying that the Nowhere Fast videos will be up every Monday. I think I underestimated how much time they take if I want to do them well, and overestimated the free time I'd have with my new schedule of dealing with school on top of everything else. Let me give you some perspective on the kind of time we're talking about. Those 3-5 minute videos you see on Youtube, take me about 3-5 hours at least to make, from research to voicing. That's a time commitment that may be a little difficult for me to live up to on a once-a-week basis. Don't get me wrong, I will keep making videos, they just won't be as common and they won't have a fixed update schedule, but they will be longer than normal and I hope they will be better, too. I'm hoping to get one up maybe every 10 days or so. Sorry if that's thrown you off reading and watching, but I hope you're fine with checking back just a little less frequently.

- Trigger

Review #1

Well here it is, the first official movie and tv story! Every Sunday will look something like this. Enjoy.

Rental of the week: This weeks suggested rental is Date Night. I completely understand if you think I'm a chode muffin now. When i heard of it my first thought was I'd rather eat a frozen piece of cow turd while watching two girls one cup, but it was actually the best Steve Carell I have ever seen. It was a little more 14+ then I thought. I never thought I'd ever hear steve Carrel of all people say "fuck". It actually made me roflmao! I don't want to spoil the movie though so go rent it.... or don't.... i don't give a shit.

Big Screen Scene of the week: If you've seen Vampires Suck I think you know what I mean when I say the end was the funniest scene in the whole movie! If you havn't seen it go see it as soon as possible. If you don't feel like paying an ass load of cash just youtube it.

i'm sorry that this isn't much i was busy this week I'll try and post the rest tomorow.

Personal Favorites

In my opinion the American Pie series is outstanding! The first three were great! Sean William Scott was by far the best Stiffler! The movies continued with American Pie presents: Band Camp. All new cast but still the same humour you would expect from the first three. The series again continued with a different cast in American Pie presents: The Naked Mile and Beta House. These two are filled with drinking, nudity, and swearing but lack a storyline. The two are great movies just don't really have a point. For me Beta House was the end. After Beta House they took it into another direction with American Pie presents: The Book of Love. Another whole new cast, which in my opinion was the worst. I'm not saying it was a bad movie just that I don't think it is as good as the others. But I have been doing some research and there is a very good chance American Pie will return yet again with American Pie Family Reunion! It will return with the origonal cast from the first three movies! This is all I know so far but I'll be sure to keep you updated!

Another Addition to the Team

I'd like everyone to welcome ShadowMaster to the crew here at Ten Minutes to Nowhere. You can expect to see him posting here every once in a while, and I'm sure he'll be showing up in my videos from time to time too.

Speaking of videos, I'm currently in the process of making a bonus video! That's right, the first bonus video will be up as soon as I finish working on it. As you know, it'll only be available here on the blog, so keep checking back!

Yes, another review.

Don't like it? well you suck a cocksicle so you're not of importance to me anyways. At the very least, this is for an album that was released recently. I promise I'll make some non-review posts in the very near future anyways. Just shut up and read.

KATAKLYSM- Heaven's Venom (9/100)

Really, Kataklysm? REALLY??? This is the BEST that the band that wrote “Sorcery” can do? Honestly, these guys have been riding on their reputation ever since “Shadows and Dust” came out and every single album after it has just been the same recycled crap that never really seems to be written with any kind of vision in mind besides satisfying their whining fans who want a new album or filling out a contractual obligation with Nuclear Blast. This is some of the most limp-dicked “death” metal I’ve heard in a very long time.

From the first few seconds of A Soulless God, this album’s main flaw is very evident: Where is the fucking FURY??? Where is the gritty, nasty feel? Where is that explosive sound that was heard on classic songs like “Dead Zygote” and “Frozen in Time” that just tears your fucking FACE off and leaves you lying in a pile of your own filth because you just shat all over yourself due to the sheer intensity??? It’s fucking GONE. What’s left is something that sounds like Kataklysm, no doubt about it, but it’s a hollow shell of what they once were. There are times where this is reminiscent of mid-period Kataklysm like Epic: The Poetry of War and Shadows and Dust, but it just sounds so sterile and unmotivated, and resorts to a lot of slower sections that sound more like fucking groove metal than anything. Seriously, I vote we change Kataklysm’s genre tag to “Death/Groove Metal” because with every new album they’re starting to sound more similar to Six Feet Under (which, as we all know, is a terrible band to be compared to). I mean, cmon guys, if you’re going to call your style of music “Northern Hyperblast” at least try to fucking BLAST a little more, willya? Even when we do hear some of the trademark Kataklysm blasting that we all know and love, it’s really watered down and triggered as hell. Goddammit, Max Duhamel’s drumming was the driving force that fueled their past albums, it was always the backbone of the band, the one thing that kept their mediocre albums listenable and enjoyable, and you decide to castrate IT too? God fucking dammit.

The riffing on this album is just laughable. Although it’s not completely repetitive (they do flirt with more melodic and pseudo-black metal style riffing (Numb and Intoxicated kinda sounds like modern BM) on a few occasions), they’re some of the most boring, unspectacular riffs ever seen this side of slam death metal. None of them are going to get stuck in your head (barring perhaps the single “Push the Venom”, although that only gets stuck in your head the same way an alien parasite would get stuck in your head), and none of them even try to ATTACK you like they used to, the guitarists just seem to be content with playing middle of the road, wishy-washy riffs that have no real intention behind them. Now, Kataklysm’s never exactly been the pinnacle of creative or interesting death metal, but this release is the one where their shitty riff construction finally catches up to them and becomes the elephant in the room. On most of their 21st-century releases, they managed to barely stay above the line of mockery with what little charm they had (even In the Arms of Devastation and Prevail had their moments) but at this point, the magic is gone. The thin veil that masked the fact that Kataklysm haven’t really been good for a long while is gone, and their true colors are showing.

Is shit like this really even necessary? With listen after listen this album does not reveal any reason why it should exist. This isn’t going to be anybody’s favourite album, the band isn’t claiming that this is their “heaviest record yet” (and if they are, they’re bullshitting themselves no matter how you look at it), and this is the musical definition of “rehashed”. This isn’t extreme, this isn’t memorable. This isn’t even CONSISTENT, as they try to fuck around with different types of melodies and different speeds, which only results in even larger shitburgers. For example, the closing track, Blind Saviour. I think they were going for a more “crushing” feel by slowing the track down, but do you know what happens when you take boring riffs and play them at half speed? THEY GET EVEN MORE FUCKING BORING. It’s like these guys are trying to fail in every imaginable way.

This is completely and utterly worthless, and something tells me Kataklysm is well aware of this. It seems they’re perfectly content with throwing together whatever comes to mind without any conviction or emotion behind it. They have embraced mediocrity, and I for one will not stand for this. This isn’t the absolute worst piece of music ever written, no, but who buys a whole album for a half-decent riff every now and then? I sure as hell know I don’t. I demand more out of my music than that, and you definitely should too. A big middle finger to Maurizio Iacono and company for thinking that this half-assed bullshit will pass for decent death metal.

Nowhere Fast - Episode 4

YES! It's finally here! I apologize for the long delay, but I've had a hella busy week!

Anyway, links. Let me see.

Chilean Miners Video/Article
http://www.ctv.ca/CTVNews/TopStoriesV2/20100830/chile-miners-100830/

The First Time I Met Sanawon - Bomb The Music Industry!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r-lN7V4_Gx0

Quote Unquote Records
http://quoteunquoterecords.com/