You know what?

A MOTHERFUCKING ALBUM REVIEW, THAT'S WHAT.

Yup, I wrote album reviews for a while back, but kinda stopped for a little bit cause I grew tired of trying to sound like a scholar when I wrote them. Now, i've adapted a more "casual" writing style, and it makes the review a lot easier to write. Enjoy, if you must.


DIE APOKALYPTISCHEN REITER- LICHT (86/100)

Every now and then, the spirit of rock n’ roll will quell down in me. I’ll start looking down upon it, seeing those who partake in it as a bunch of simple-minded buffoons. I’ll become more reclusive, and listen to Silencer and Lifelover and Drudkh and bands that have “deep spiritual meaning” or some tomfoolery along those lines. I will hate any music that sounds in any way the slightest bit accessible.
And then a band like Die Apokayptischen Reiter comes along and blows my genitals off, leaves my head throbbing and neck sore, and reminds me what heavy fucking metal is all about. Holy shit, these guys have more balls than a dumpster after a mass castration ceremony.

While I’ve only heard bits and pieces form their earlier works, I can still easily tell that this is a helluva lot different from albums such as All You Need is Love. While that album was more of a straight-up melodic death metal dog that sniffed a little bit around the folk-metal fire hydrants but never really took a long piss on them, Licht is some good old fashioned rock n’ roll at its core. Sure, all the folk metal, melodeath and traditional metal influences are all very present, but it’s still a very simplistic, formulaic, hard-rockish album. Is that a bad thing by any means? FUCK NO IT’S NOT! Well, it can be in some cases, but Die Apokalyptischen Reiter play with such energy and charisma that it’s not a problem in the slightest. This album is dripping with gallons, of pure, unadulterated testosterone. I swear, I could fucking SMELL it coming out of my speakers.

Now, playing your music loud and proud can be a really bad thing if your music blows goat dick, because then any problems your songs had become much more audible to even the casual listener. But fear not, my readers, because the songs on Licht are catchy like a motherfucker. Just listen to those choruses on “Es Wird Schlimmer” “Auf Die Liebe” or “Der Weg” (I could pretty much namedrop all the songs on the album) and tell me you can’t sing along to them, even if you don’t speak German. You can’t. They’re irresistible. And even if you were to remove the choruses, there’s still some solid riffing to be found here. They’re sound most like hard rock/classic metal riffs with a folksy tinge about them, and they accentuate the choruses well and fill the necessary roles for the guitar.

And if all THAT wasn’t good enough, the vocals kick ass too! The vocalist has this harsh tone to his voice that reminds me of Blind Guardian to a certain extent, except this guy has a lower register. Now, we all know Hansi’s voice is good enough to masturbate to, so having vocals similar to his in any way is always a good thing. While his somewhat half-assed attempts at harsh vocals (most noticeable at the beginning of “Es Wird Schlimmer”) aren’t all that spectacular, they only pop up a few times on the album, so one can expel them from their memory with ease.

Despite Licht being a great, catchy, fun listen, there’s no denying its commercial, non-metal tendencies. As mentioned before, this doesn’t really affect how I view the album much, because these guys play with so much passion and conviction that it’s easy to ignore. HOWEVER- there is one aspect of he album I would like to bitch about, and that would be the ballads. Songs like “Nach Der Ebbe” and “Der Elende” don’t really do anything for me, because all the energy that is usually overflowing out of every single orifice of Die Apokalyptischen Reiter has been drained from those songs, leaving a lame, plodding, pseudo-emotional pile of drivel. Like those dumbass jocks you knew in high school, these guys are only really good at conveying one emotion- anger and energy- and anything else they try isn’t all that great. It’s tolerable at the very least, but it sounds worse in comparison when held up beside all the other awesome songs on this album.

Is Licht an album filled with complex, intricate music? Nope. Does it have “deeper messages” within it that you must discover through several listens and a serious evaluation of the music? Nope. Is it a dark, vicious slab of pure evil from the depths of hell? Nope. Is it an infectious, testosterone-driven album of heavy fucking metal? YOU BETTER FUCKING BELIEVE IT. This album rapes all the suicidal black metal kiddies so hard they bleed out their microscopic dicks. Recommended.